But for now, I'm stepping away. I am taking one reader's advice and looking to my own beams. (I didn't agree with the comment on the whole at the time... but God works where He will.) I thought long and hard about my beams and asked the Lord what He thought, too. And He seems to be telling me to dig deeper.
Digging deeper does not mean carrying more, doing more, writing more. It means tending more to what I already have. It means silence so that I can actually hear. It means writing more for God and less for myself. It means understanding that a multiplication of ministries does not guarantee holiness any more than blogging about holding babies is an adequate replacement for actually holding them.
I am an experienced mother who is also a new mother. Every day is new. Every child is different. And teenagers are just as needy as little ones; it just takes time and care to see it and respond. I have agreed to accept the gift of these children. It is not time to get off of my knees yet. There will be many more sleepless nights and desperate prayers yet to come. In four years, my firstborn will be 18. Everything with him is a first... and how shall I spend those 48 months? At that time, my littlest will be learning to add and subtract and dreaming of doing big things like his big brother.
Blogging is not wrong. But it may be wrong for me today. Or perhaps it is just not best... which is the same, really, if I have the knowledge I need to make that decision.
Isn't this the place we moms always return to? Back to basics. Back to God. So we can hear again in the silence. Of course, there's not much actual silence around here these days. I seem to have one child in particular who has received not only the gift of gab but also the gift of volume. And she needs me to teach her to sing.
For years, I have prayed for a deeper conversion to Christ and a deeper conversion to the heart of my family. I recognize that my inclination is to constantly be drawn away and so I beg Him to lead me back. It is an ongoing conversion... and requires vigilance. And sometimes the good needs to take a back seat to the better.
I will keep the blog accessible, I just won't be updating posts. I will continue to keep up with my favorite blogs; being able to read your words and catch a glimpse of God's grace working in your lives is a great support and consolation. I am a better person because of those of you who write from your heart for God and mamas like me. I have also been blessed by many readers who have kept me accountable and also become friends. I have seen the face of Christ a little more clearly. Thanks so much for that. Thanks be to God!