I stood in the grocery store today staring at sparkly nail polish and pink hair chalk thinking that if I wasn't a Catholic homeschooling mom, I'd like to have a streak of pink hair. I said it out loud and the Chief says "You can have pink hair if you want" and he meant it... but he just doesn't understand. It just wouldn't work out. My time in life for that kind of thing is over. But I saw him looking at my hair and thinking about it and I was almost tempted. If the Chief told me he really wanted me to have pink hair, I just might do it.
I must be having a mini mid-life crisis. Or at least experiencing the normal blahs during the early stages of post-partum recovery. The adrenaline rush of the new birth is over and the reality of the physical affects of pregnancy set in. Blah. Blah. Blah. Puffy, dull, tired, blah-ness.
Is this why middle aged moms start getting tattoos? I'm thinking yes. I don't know what kind I'd get. If I wasn't so deathly afraid of needles, perhaps I'd get something lovely and Catholic.
On the other hand, I don't think tattoos are lovely and I don't really want one... I just need a little freshening up. I need that first push to start exercising again. I could use a hair cut more than once a year. A make-up tutorial would be helpful. And a date night at least once a week. I would also like a clean house every once in a while.
The thing is... I'm just so very blessed and I can see that these blahs are just a big pity party. I'm whining here and I see it clearly. Time to shut the door on the pouts and start giving thanks again. I know these blahs come and go. I know that my hair starts to fall out in bunches at about 3 months post-partum and that eventually, I fit into all of my clothes again... until I don't again. Ebb and flow.
In the meantime, I'm feeling antsy in this tired body and a little sparkle wouldn't kill me, would it? Perhaps a new Christmas dress... that no one will see because it zips up the back and I'll have to sit in a bathroom all undone for hours to nurse the baby. No... no new dress yet.
Is this why middle-aged moms cut out on their families? I'm thinking yes. Not that I'm tempted to do that. I'm definitely not. It's just that I can understand the itch to crawl out of one's skin into something fresher and more sparkly and new. Without a solid anchor of faith and trust and purpose, we start looking for something to fill the emptiness. Some women just buy a new outfit and some throw everything away.
Me? I think I'll just buy a new bottle of sparkly nail polish. Or maybe I'll be extra daring and wear a pair of 3 inch heels. But I bite my nails so they are rarely polish ready... and I'd probably stumble and drop the baby if I wore tall heels.
So here's my plan...
I'll fuss and fidget for a little while longer until I realize that my prayer life has stalled. I'll get back on track, willing myself to put first things first and begging for the grace to do so. God will say yes, then slowly, my blessings will come into focus again and I'll notice some things: how my husband still looks at me with attention and admiration, that I'm starting to get stronger and feel more energized, and that I have a very, very good life. That crosses are really graces. And then I'll paint my toenails a pretty color (since I don't bite those) and thank the good Lord for the graces He has given to pursue this beautiful vocation within my family home.
I am not going to completely forget the pink hair. Someday I'll do it. When my husband and I go on our first vacation together alone (our belated honeymoon) I'll put a streak of pink in my hair and we'll laugh and take a picture to show our adult kids. And perhaps I'll still be blogging and I'll show you, too.