I Can't Do It...

The Donut Queen... First smiles after 2 weeks of illness.
Today. I awakened to the little grumpy sounds of a hungry baby and sleepily reached out to gather Peaches in for a breakfast nursing. My hand touched her arm first and a red flag went off in my drowsy brain. Hot. I leaned in to kiss her head and the red flag became an alarm siren. She's hot. Really hot.

Fully awake now, I leaned over her with wide open eyes and alert mind. She was whimpering and had a little crease between her brows. I smelled sickness... because moms have those kinds of superpowers.

NO. I thought. I cannot do this again. I am so tired. I can't do it.

That was this morning. She had been completely well since Tuesday. Laughing and playing. No fever. No signs of illness whatsoever. My back had begun healing and my spirits were steadily rising as I looked forward to recovered sleep. Today, I am worrying again, calling the doctor, and feeling like I need a long vacation.

I can't. The thought floated through my thoughts a few times this morning and finally settled here:

Of course you can, you coward... you just don't want to.

And that just about sums up the whole of my journey. I can do ALL things He asks of me. I just don't really want to because of my love of comfort and my lack of trust. I am a coward.

This past week, my kids went to the closest abortion mill to witness and pray. They stood with about 30 other youngsters in the freezing temperatures and set aside their physical discomfort for an hour while they prayed. Some of them came a bit underdressed for the weather (this is not uncommon with teenagers who dress themselves!) and I know it must have hurt to keep standing. But they did it. They did it because they felt an obligation to do it... because Christians are called to stand against injustice. Some probably found the courage to keep standing because they were surrounded by others who were standing. And all of them did it because they love those babies... and they know that someone needs to stand and pray and witness at the doors of death.

As much as I am saddened by the need to stand at a death mill and plead for the lives of children, I am also encouraged by the willingness of these young people to suffer a little for life. It is an illustration of our call to walk the talk in our Christian faith and an inspiration to me in my motherhood...

I can because it is my vocation and I am obligated to respond to the call. I can because I have a community that prays and supports me in my journey. I can because I love these children and I love the God who gives them to me. I can because He gives me every grace that I need.

I can't is an expression of fear. Saying I can't is the same as saying I don't believe that He will provide.

Now, I know I can't climb Mt. Everest today... because I am not equipped with knowledge or materials or support. And He hasn't asked me to climb Mt. Everest. But if He wants me to, He will provide. He gives me different mountains to climb and everything I need to go as far as He asks me to go. I can do ALL things He asks. ALL. His grace is sufficient.

My mountain today is not particularly big. You know what is big? My desire for comfort. I give it up. I give it up.

I can. I will. I trust. I believe. I give thanks. I praise. I get up and walk. 
Again and again. As long as He asks.
Thanks be to God!

I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound; in any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and want. I can do all things in him who strengthens me.
~Philippians 4:12-13

Posted on January 9, 2014 and filed under "motherhood".